Question...

I haven’t written in a while, purely because I haven’t had anything worth anyone’s reading. Also, I don’t make time to get on the computer all that often if it’s not important. BUT during my Bible study today, I came across something that I had a very serious question about. So I am hoping as my friends that you will read this with every intention of responding with your thoughts. I would greatly appreciate the opinions.

The verses I am studying are in Matthew. Specifically chapter 5, verses 17-18.

They read as such: (NIV)

17 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.

18 I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished.

So here is my question... In the old testament, specifically Exodus 21-23 – the Book of the Covenant, God laid down commands for His people. They range from commands about the appropriate and inappropriate methods of treating Hebrew servants, how to handle injuries inflicted by others, protection of property, social responsibilities, Sabbath Laws, and the Three Annual Festivals.

As my understanding of reading Matthew 5:17-18 those commands should not be missing from today’s following of Christ because he specifically states that His coming was not meant to discredit the Law of old.

SO, if that is the case, and Jesus only modifies parts of the Law in the New Testament (such as hating your brother is as bad as murder – Matthew 5:21-26, etc), then why are things such as the strict Sabbath Laws and the Annual Festivals not any longer a part of our observed faith.

Observing the Sabbath was always a very important piece of God’s law. I know that Jesus rebuked the Pharisees in Matthew 12:1-14, but that was because they wanted to focus more on the ‘strict tradition’ then on the needs of the disciples. They were hungry, so they picked heads of grain to eat. There was a man that needed healing, so Jesus healed him. I understand his anger in the Pharisees use of the law. They wanted to use the law to find fault with Jesus because they hated him for messing up their traditions.

BUT, I don’t see why this passage would take away the entire importance of the Sabbath. I see the point Jesus is making as more of, ‘show love to others and do what is right in the eyes of God’, but that does not mean that the importance of the Sabbath and its observance should be pushed aside.

Jesus’ argument was that following traditions just to follow them is worthless, and I couldn’t agree more. But following the Sabbath Laws would, I think, greatly help us in this day and age. Imagine your last Sunday. How many times during the service were you thinking about all you had to do that day? And how much of those plans helped someone in need? How many of those things on your Sunday to-do list were for the glory of God? If we are honest with ourselves, we fill Sunday with all sorts of crap that doesn’t matter, just like we fill the rest of the week.

So when are we taking time out to truly worship and serve God? When are we taking time out specifically to do nothing but spend time in the word and pray? I’m convinced that sitting through one service a week and maybe meeting once a week with a small group is not enough. We CANNOT get fed the way we should in that manner. We CANNOT truly build our relationship with God and make Him the most important thing in our life if we never set aside a day to be still in front of Him.

I am not advocating for a strict adherence to all of the Laws because obviously sacrifices are no longer necessary because Jesus was our ultimate blood sacrifice. And Jesus set the record straight on clean vs. unclean in Matthew 15:11. And I’m not entirely sure it matters if your Sabbath is on Sunday or Tuesday or Friday, as long as we are setting aside a day and emptying our calendar, setting aside the things that really don’t matter (house cleaning, elaborate cooking, watching tv, etc) and completely focusing on God, His word, and devoting our lives to Him.

That is going to be my challenge this week. Jacob and I will find a day that we can set aside for the sole purpose of studying God’s word, praying, and devoting our time to nothing else. Nothing else is as important as this. Nothing else we could fill our day with could be better for our hearts and minds.

If that sounds a little crazy, then maybe I’m starting to get on the right track!  ;)

The End of an Era.

This post is emotional for me because it deals with the loss of two things I hold very dear. I am being a bit overdramatic for sure, because the two afore mentioned things have not escaped me forever, but my relationship to them will never be the same as of this summer.

The first thing I am referring to, I imagine is going to seem pretty nerdy. It is in fact, the last Harry Potter movie. I know, I know. You are probably laughing at your computer screen right now, or trying to click out of this page out of an immediate loss of interest, but hear me out.

It’s not so much the movies that I care about or have a strong emotional tie to, but the stories that J. K. Rowling so magically (pun intended I suppose) weaved together. The movies are simply the visual representation of characters and scenes that I have been playing in my head since my sophomore year of high school.

I will NEVER forget the moment I opened Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone for the first time! I have that exact copy on my computer desk in front of me now, and it brings tears to my eyes. You have to understand where I was at that time in my life, in order to comprehend why this book and the subsequent stories that followed are so important to me.

My parents had gotten divorced my freshman year and my entire life was turned upside down. I went from an extremely strict Christian home, to a very lax home due to my mother always being at work in order to provide for my brother and me on her own.

Then, at some point during my sophomore year, I joined my brother and mother at a school book fair at Rolle Elementary School. I saw the book on one of the displays and the cover immediately caught my attention. I was a very lost and downright depressed child at that point with the total upheaval of my family life the year prior and after reading the jacket cover I simply had to escape with Harry to Hogwarts.

My mother consented to purchase the book for me even though I know she didn’t have extra money just laying (or lying? I can never remember.) around. We then left the book fair and went straight to her Post Office union meeting in the two story business building on 4^th Avenue across the street from the Good Will. On the top step of that building I opened the book and dove head first into Harry’s world.

No, the Harry Potter series didn’t somehow make my family problems go away, but it did give me a place to escape and an immense amount of joy. I loved how each book created a more and more complex history of every character and how I simply had to love Snape and root for him even when I wasn’t 100% sure he was a good guy.

Those epic seven novels will forever sit on my bookshelf and undoubtedly get read into ruin. Just because the end of the movie series is at hand does not mean that my connection with these characters will cease. But none the less, every time I see a preview of this last movie, I get all sentimental and remember how it all started for me.

The second thing I mentioned at the beginning of this blog is a much more concrete loss. I have lost the physical closeness of a friend.

Aindrea Muldoon will always be considered my friend, NO matter where she lives, but now she is not in the proximity to catch a movie with me, or go out to eat, or even walk around Hastings with, as silly as that might sound to anyone but the two of us.

If I have to lose her though, I have definitely lost her in the best way possible. She has run away with her love and moved to England.

I am an avid lover of Jane Austen and there is something so Austonian (I think I just made that up, or I spelled it wrong.) in their love. I am extremely happy for the two of them, and wish them all the glee in the world. But I am of course a little selfish, and am sad to have seen the end of our era of friendship in the same town.

As a memorial to our silliness over the years, I wanted to share a few of our favorite memories.

1.       Squishy noodles – Aindrea and I met in college. We were both taking NAU classes (a joke) to get our Bachelor’s in Education. We would get out of class close to 10pm and since I lived across the street from the college we would hit up my place for late night grub. One night we found some Italian Cheesy Shells Hamburger Helper. We heated up those seemingly dull left-overs and found ourselves lost in giggles when Aindrea discovered that they made the funniest squishing noise when you poked the noodles with your fork. I am in fact laughing now at how lost in raptures we were at that moment.

2.       Doodles in class – Aindrea and I were the worst students. I would have hated to have us in my class. We would place ourselves in the back of the class and draw stick figures, dinosaurs, wheelchairs, and other randomness and then giggle like little 12 year olds at what the other had drawn. It was quite ridiculous. In fact, at a couple points, when I felt pressure from the professor to at least act like I was paying attention, I would sit away from her and try to be a more model student. It never worked because then we would just text each other the entire time! (As an aside, I had honors all through college so our silliness never affected my education.)

3.       Harry Potter – As mentioned at the beginning of this very long blog, I love Harry Potter. So does my Aindrea, and we immediately began dissecting all things HP. We would have Harry Potter movie marathons after class got out in the evening and it NEVER failed that before the first movie was over, one of us or both would be passed out asleep. I cannot help but laugh right now at the insane amount of times we tried to go through all the movies. We never got through them though. We would decide mid way through one film that we just HAD to have Dairy Queen. Out the door we would go. If it wasn’t ice cream it was something else. We were living by the seat of our pants.

4.       Boys – We were both heartbroken at some point during our friendship and we spent many an evening trying to dissect why our significant others were not everything we thought they should be and more. Why did he say that? What made him act this way? You know how girls are… We could spend hours talking and crying over something. But in the end it has all worked out wonderfully in that respect. I couldn’t be happier at our love lives now!

Unfortunately though, life changes. We graduated from college and had to get full time teaching jobs. That leaves less time to sit around and do nothing, that is for sure. Then I got married. And then I had a baby. As life changed for each of us, we had less time for each other. I know on my end, that the feelings have not changed. Time just wasn’t as readily available. And I don’t for a second believe that her feelings changed either. Life just has a way of pulling you in a million directions and that makes relationships hard to maintain.

In the end, I regret losing a friend in proximity, but I delight in the fact that we can stay close though our society’s profusion of technology. Our relationship will change forever, but I am so extremely happy to see her go because it is due to a new amazing relationship that she is forging!

I love you Miss Muldoon! I won’t be able to call you that much longer so I need to wear it out now.  And I sadly miss you already!

Father's Day Tribute 2011

My daughter is lucky to have the best father possible! He is loving, kind, silly, protective, and always attentive. In honor of all that he does for her and for me, I wanted to show some of my favorite moments caught on camera from the last year. Enjoy…

Jacob was meant to be a father. He worked extremely hard before Alexia was born to make everything perfect for her.

Alexia was born before we had a chance to assemble her furniture, so after a long day at the NICU, even with no indication when she would get to come home, Jacob went to work in her room to get everything put together; one for her use when she got home, and two, to put my mind at rest.

I had to have a c-section, so Jacob had to don all this gear in order to be allowed in the room. I was laying in the hospital bed, mid contractions, and mid hysteria over what was to come and he made me smile. That's the true spirit of a good husband and father. I know he will do whatever is in his power to make Alexia smile during those rough times.



This is the first time Jacob held Alexia. At this moment, he didn't need anything else in the world. <3

Constantly being in the NICU is exhausting. Jacob made sure to keep up his energy though by taking short naps when they could be found.



Watching the monitors. Jacob was always on top of Alexia's stats. He knew before the nurses if there was going to be a problem!

Cuddling! From day one, Alexia has been completely relaxed around Jacob. They just 'chill' together.



This was the day she came home!! In fact, at the taking of this picture, we hadn't been home more than an hour. His face tells it all. It was a great thing to be out of the NICU, but terrifying to all of a sudden be given everything we wanted. What do we do now?

NAP! That's what we do now! I got out of the shower one day to find this cute little scene. Whenever I leave those two alone, I come back to find them napping. :)





One of Alexia's first doctor's visits. Jacob always makes sure he is off for such occasions. His schedule is so great!

One of the first times we visited Jacob at work. He missed her like crazy, and simply had to love on her! They make my heart melt.

Lexi's first trip to San Diego. I love how perfectly they fit together.





My little sleepy baby. There must be something about Jacob that makes her not able to keep her eyes open.

Being a father means no breaks. Not even for dinner.

So proud of Alexia and her first attempt at solid food.

He is the father of a princess after all...

He is always doting on Alexia. <3

A great father has to be silly as well.



And a great father has to give loads of piggy back rides. :)

I am so blessed to have such an amazing husband! I love you Jacob Zack and I cannot wait to have a bigger family with you, and watch you love on and change those future children's lives as well.

EXODUS

I LOVE EXODUS! Moses is by far my favorite character in the Bible, and I cannot read the exodus story enough times! The logistics of the exodus drive me wild with curiosity!

How did hundreds of thousands of people cross the desert the way they did for forty years?
What would that have looked like? Imagine yourself in a helicopter. That's around six times the population of Yuma. Wouldn't that be a sight to see!
How often were they moving and how often did they stop and set up camp?
And when they stopped, did they have tents filled with their possessions, like you see in movies? That seems like an insurmountable amount of work!

I get excited just thinking about all of those minute details!

Jacob and I started reading Exodus the other day, and it's been a great experience. We are bouncing ideas and questions off each other. It's led to some great discussions!

Let's start from the beginning....

Chapter 1: Israelites Oppressed

Chapter 1 simply introduces us to the situation. Seems like a perfectly fitting place to start right? ;) Joseph has long been dead, and so has the Pharaoh that owed any sort of favor to the Israelites (Jacob's descendant's). As such, the new king has decided that the Israelites are much too numerous and he needs to put them in check. They are put to work as slaves on his building projects and he orders all Israelite boys to be murdered at birth. The midwives of the time are God fearing though and do not kill the boys. The Israelites continue to multiply!

Chapter 2: Birth of Moses

Chapter 1 leads right into the birth of Moses, and his mother's desperate attempt to keep him alive. We all know how it goes down: basket, river, picked up by princess. By verse 11 though, forty years have passed away. Moses sees an Egyptian worker beating a Hebrew. Couple questions:

At this point does Moses know about his heritage?
If so, does he have contact with his biological family?

Anywho, Moses kills the Egyptian. When it gets back to Pharaoh what Moses has done, Moses has to run for his life. He runs right into Midian where he spends the next forty years. He gets married to the priest of Midian's daughter, and has a couple sons.

Chapter 3: Burning Bush and Chapter 4: Signs

Then there's the burning bush! And here is why I love Moses so much...

He has an audience with God. God has chosen him above any other to go to Egypt to set the Israelites free from Pharaoh's captivity. What is Moses' response? It's just about exactly what mine would be!

3:11 "But Moses said to God, "Who am I..."
3:13 "Moses said to God, "Suppose..."
4:  1 "Moses answered, "What if..."
4:13 "But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it."

Moses is NOT AT ALL comfortable with this idea. Moses is not confident that God has chosen the correct person. Moses is looking for any excuse to get himself out of this situation. Has this ever been you? You hear God clearly calling you to do something and you are racking your brain for a 'get out of jail free' card?! I have SO been there!

Moses is not a good speaker. Moses is not confident in his ability to convince the Israelites he is there to help them. Moses doesn't know what to say. He just knows that he is the wrong man for the job.

God had a different opinion though. God knew that Moses wasn't 'ready' or 'capable' or 'eloquent' enough to do this task. And that is EXACTLY why God chose him. If Moses were up to the task then he wouldn't need to rely on God. If Moses was well spoken, and sure of himself, then how could God have worked miracles?

It's amazing how much I see myself in Moses. I'm always looking for excuses for what I know God is calling me to do. I always want to feel 'ready' or 'prepared' or 'well versed' before I feel I can move ahead. That is just silly! If I feel ready or confident then I am going to miss out on the power of relying and leaning on God!

That is some powerful stuff! Food for thought.

Chapter 4 ends in a weird way and I have a slew of questions regarding verses 24-26. Get out your Bible and let me know if you have any insight into the situation that occurs in those passages...

My questions relating to 4:24-26:

Is Moses circumcised?
Are the Midianites followers of God?
Why would God kill Moses or his son, depending on the version?
How does Zipporah know what God's going to do?
How does she know circumcision will save Moses or his son?

Foster Update

I have not been keeping up with my journey through my Bible reading. I am still reading each day, but things have been hectic. So instead of trying to catch up with where I am in my reading, I'd much rather write about what has been keeping my family so busy.... FOSTER care certification! :)

For those of you that do not know, Jacob and I decided earlier this year to become foster parents. A friend of ours is adopting and she shared her story with our small group. That opened up the topic for us, and another friend of ours had just begun the classes necessary for foster care certification. We very clearly felt that this was where the Lord was leading us. Nothing against adoption because that's our end goal, but we felt fostering would allow us to help more children.

I would love to be pregnant again. I LOVED the belly! BUT, anyone that knows us knows the problems we had with my first pregnancy. I clearly see that experience in the NICU with Alexia as a foundation for this decision to become foster parents. Why risk my health and the health of my unborn child when we can expand our family by the means of helping children that are already here, but are not getting their needs met?!

SO! This week we had our second home visit, turned in all of our paperwork, and the million copies of documents they need. I just scheduled, just as in this morning!, our home inspection from the state. They will be here a week from today to check out the house. Then we will have one more home visit from our case manager. After that it will just be a waiting game until our certification is approved and we can start accepting kids.

We are SUPER excited! We have heard all types of stories and know that this isn't going to be rainbows and ponies everyday. We will have very rough moments. I'm sure there are going to be children that come into our home that I'll want to keep forever, and letting them go back to homes we are not sure about is going to be hard. I'm also sure there will be children that come into our home that maybe won't be our favorite, but no matter what we want to keep our focus on the Lord.

Our reason for doing this always goes back to the scripture. I do want a bigger family, but I never want my desires to outweigh the call of Christ.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." -James 2:27 (NIV)

I LOVE this scripture! Not only does it call us to take care of those in need, but it reminds us to keep our heads up and always turn back to Christ and his promises. We need not be dragged down by the world and the negative situations we encounter. We can always fall back into the loving arms of Christ!

Prayers go out to my friends that are either adopting or fostering to adopt! Lara and John! Amy and Seth! Julia and Kent! Know that I always have your families in my prayers. This process is living out the words of Christ! How cool is that?!

Just one of THOSE days.

This is what I want to wake up to. I would love for my alarm to go off at 6am; I turn on the lamp, and start reading my Bible. I daydream about having an hour to collect myself, pray, worship God, and read His word. I imagine I would be such a better, nicer, more patient, etc. person if this is the way I could start my day. Ah, tranquility!

But this isn't the world of my daydreams. OH NO! It is instead a much worse thing.... Reality!

A reality where my daughter wakes up at 5:30am and I immediately know my quiet time with God is shot. A reality where she wants breakfast, so I make it, and then she decides she would rather smear the food all over her body than actually eat it. A reality where she is not happy unless I am holding her. THEN she is not happy when I am holding her. A realty where she cries at me for an hour no matter what I try to do to appease her. It goes on and on this way...

This is what my reality looks like:

Am I being a bit a melodramatic? Maybe.

So here's to making the time to read His word no matter what's going on! It might have taken me two hours to read through the scripture and write this with a very unpleasant Alexia here, but I did it! So suck on that devil!

Psalm 57

1 Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me,

   for in you my soul takes refuge.

   I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings

   until the disaster has passed.

2 I cry out to God Most High,

   to God, who fulfills his purpose for me.

3 He sends from heaven and saves me,

   rebuking those who hotly pursue me;

   God sends his love and his faithfulness.

4 I am in the midst of lions;

   I lie among ravenous beasts-

   men whose teeth are spears and arrows,

   whose tongues are sharp swords.

5 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;

   let your glory be over all the earth.

 6 They spread a net for my feet-

     I was bowed down in distress.

     They dug a pit in my path-

     but they have fallen into it themselves.

  7 My heart is steadfast, O God,

     my heart is steadfast;

     I will sing and make music.

  8 Awake, my soul!

     Awake, harp and lyre!

     I will awaken the dawn.

  9 I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;

     I will sing of you among the peoples.

10 For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;

     your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

11 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;

     let your glory be over all the earth.

A Catch-up on Joseph...

I left off in my progress through Genesis at the end of chapter 37 with Joseph being sold off to gypsies by his jealous brothers.

At this point, Joseph’s situation is dreadful. He has been brutally betrayed by his own flesh and blood. He has been transported through the desert by strangers. Then he’s been sold into the service of one of Pharaoh’s officials in Egypt.

In the beginning of chapter 39 we see Joseph catch a bit of a break! But unfortunately his good luck doesn’t last long. He has been placed in charge of his master’s home and all that he owns, but his master’s wife has a bit of a wandering eye and when the master leaves, she throws herself on Joseph. After several refusals on his part, she acts the victim and blames Joseph of trying to take advantage of her.

As is expected, Joseph is deposited in jail as soon as his master hears this story. That is where he is to remain for the next several years.

BUT to think that God was not watching out for him during this time would be foolish! God put Joseph exactly where He needed him to be in order to bring great things to Joseph.

God gave Joseph the wisdom to interpret first the dreams of 2 of Pharaoh’s men in the jail with him and then the opportunity to interpret a dream for the Pharaoh himself. Joseph’s interpretation of Pharaoh’s dream discovered there were going to be 7 years of plenty coming, followed by 7 years of severe famine. With this knowledge the Pharaoh could save during the plenty and have food for his people during the famine.

Pharaoh was so grateful for Joseph and his apparent blessing from God that he made Joseph second in command throughout the land of Egypt. He gave Joseph a wife who bore him sons, and commissioned Joseph to go throughout the land gathering and storing food.

All of Joseph’s hardships brought him to the exact place God needed him to be in order to bestow His blessings upon Joseph. So the obvious questions to me are:

Why do I ever complain?? If I am going through something difficult, isn’t God there, guiding me?

And if it is all part of God’s plan for my life, don’t I want to endure it so I can reap the benefits at the end of all the suffering??

So next time a negative thought tries to escape my lips I am going to try and look ‘up’ and keep my heart on the truth that God has something bigger than my momentary suffering planned for me!!

At a loss for words.

I have my Bible open. I have my Bible Handbook open next to it. But the passage I read this morning isn't really what I want to write about.

Problem is, I don't exactly know what I want to say about the subject that is pervading my thoughts.

Hmm.. I guess I should just 'word vomit' it out, and see where it takes me. Never know what will find it's way out.

Several weeks ago at church, we had a member of the congregation get up and share his testimonial. One thing he shared really stuck with me. He said that when he had idols in his life, he didn't see people around him coming to Christ. He was not being an effective disciple. Instead of telling people around him about Christ and the wonderful things He has done in this man's life, he would go on about his particular 'idol.'

It's important that we keep in mind what an idol is. In the old testament, they were golden calves or the like. Today, an idol can be ANYTHING that takes our focus from God. This particular man's idol was his dream of building a log cabin. He was obsessed with it. He spent hours looking up things related to it during his free time; time he could have been reading his Bible. And instead of sharing Christ's love and message with people around him, he was talking about everything he wanted to do with his future dream home.

What this man shared made me think long and hard about my life as a disciple.

Come to find out, I am not a disciple at all. There are people in my life EVERYDAY that are not Christians, and even though I see them all the time, and are frequently in conversations with them, Christ is never brought up. WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?

What are we talking about instead? What is my idol standing in the way of me sharing the gospel?

How is it that I can read my Bible and scibble notes all over the pages out of pure passion for what I'm reading, and then NOT share it with someone?

How can I listen to music on the Christian radio station, singing and dancing around my house like an idiot, and then go to church and not feel a thing for some of the same songs?

How can I pray for people I know to come to Christ, and then just leave it at a prayer? How can I end another day with another prayer for someone I love, and then not do more to reach out?

Christ died for our sins. If we believe that and have faith in him, then we are saved and our lives begin to change in the most amazing ways. If we do not believe, then when we die, we go to hell. Seeing as I don't know when I or any of my family members is going to die, shouldn't I make it a bit more of a priority to share the gospel?

This brings me full circle to what happened tonight and how I am at a loss for words.

I have inherited a large family through my husband. Each weekend the family gets together and barbeque's at Jacob's aunt and uncles house. I love these people. After the previously mentioned sermon, I started thinking about how I don't think many, if any, are Christians. If they are, I am clueless of it because I have never brought it up or inquired about it.

How can I truly be passionate about my savior if I have never broached the subject of Christ with any of them? So I started praying about it. I started asking the Lord to give me opportunities to talk to them about Him.

As an aside, I should say that after my feelings of resentment towards my father about constantly being berated with the faith, I am very nervous about bringing up the faith with others because I don't want to turn them off from it the way I was for many years.

So anyway, I've been praying for opportunities to arise, and slowly over the last few months there have been casual conversations with my family about God. It's been very exciting to hear Jacob's uncle start to talk about his past in the church.

Then tonight it finally happened! Around the table this evening, while eating dinner, we started talking about our faith. Each of us was sharing, and I couldn't believe it had just come out of left field. Problem was, I didn't know what to say. I was caught off guard, and then I spent the entire drive home thinking about what I should have said to each of the questions asked of me.

I guess I'm just shaken. I know that I cannot bring people to Christ. Only God, working through me, can do any good at all. But I wish I hadn't felt so shell shocked while in the moment. I love my family, and I don't ever want to look back with regrets, wishing I'd said more than I had about my relationship with Christ.

 That's where my mind is tonight. I don't know what to say beyond that.

Moments in Motherhood

I'm having a rough morning, after having a rough night. My daughter is the cutest, sweetest, smartest, funniest little girl in the whole world WHEN SHE IS NOT TEETHING! As of right now though, she IS teething and is NOT my favorite person.

I feel very guilty about the way I react to her 'demon side' because I know she is in pain. I try to think compassionately about how her mouth must feel with all these teeth poking menacingly through her gums. But I fail continually, and I lose my temper. Instead of being loving and just holding her through the incessant crying, I set her down and walk away furious that I cannot do anything to make it better. And that of course just makes her more upset.

Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

That will be my mantra for the day!!! Joyful, patient, and faithful.

Brittany Dawn

Genesis 37

Joseph's Dreams

Genesis chapter 37 begins the story of Joseph. We are introduced to Joseph and almost immediately told that he was the favorite of all Jacob's 12 sons (v3). He made Joseph a very "richly ornamented robe" which is an outward sign to the other 11 sons that Joseph is favored. No real hiding it, so in verse 4 we are told that the brothers hated Joseph because it was clear their father loved Joseph more than any of them.

If I clearly knew that someone harbored a grudge against me, or downright hated me, I think I would steer clear of that said person and keep my head down when I had to be around them. What does Joseph do? The COMPLETE opposite! He starts telling his brothers about these wild dreams he is having.

In verses 5-7 Joseph tells his brothers he had a dream where they were all binding sheaves of grain and all of a sudden Joseph's sheaf rose up and his brother's sheaves bowed down to Joseph's.

Umm, can someone please get Joseph a clue?! It's already been established that his brother's hate him, and instead of trying to smooth things over by any means, he is totally stirring the pot! His brother's freak out in anger asking Joseph if he "intends to reign over" them. In verse 8 it makes it abundantly clear that "they hated him all the more because of his dream and what he had said."

As if this isn't enough, Joseph has a second dream where the sun and moon and eleven stars were bowing down to him. He again tells his brothers, and this time tells his father as well. Needless to say, it doesn't go over well and in verse 12 we see the evil plot forming in his brother's hearts.

His brother's want to kill him and tell their father he was torn apart by a wild animal. Reuben, the eldest, tries to save Joseph though. So instead of killing Joseph they end up selling him to a travelling group of merchants. From there, Joseph is sold to one of Pharaoh's officials in Egypt.

The brother's tear Joseph's robe, cover it in blood, and still tell their father that Joseph was killed by an animal.

Wow. This is the family God has chosen to bless throughout the ages. And yet they are a bunch of men with hate in their hearts due to jealousy, and murder on their minds.

That is what I love most about this! These are not 'holier than thou' people. They are not perfect! BUT, God has a plan for all of them, and we get to watch it unfold. It's the perfect reminder that I will never be perfect, but that does not mean that God isn't working through me or using me to unwittingly fulfill his purposes. In fact, I often wonder what would be said about my life if it were written like a Bible story! Hmm... Just food for thought.

Childhood memories

My father went to seminary when I was about 5 in Fort Worth, Texas. So I grew up with a father who was passionate about the scripture. I always saw this as the most unfortunate thing a child could have to deal with. Growing up we were in church Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday evening. Then if the church had any special function, we would go to that as well. I was EXTREMELY shy, and hated all of it. I never felt like I fit in anywhere because we moved around a lot and I didn't make friends easily.

Looking back now, it's of course obvious that I could have had a much rougher childhood. Jacob and I are in the process of becoming certified foster parents, so we have heard stories of children that actually have problems. My father's nightly Bible studies during dinner don't even come close to what could actually be considered 'bad parenting.' But alas, at the time, I thought I had it rough.

You might be wondering where this rambling came from. What took me back to being a 5th grader, sitting around the dinner table reading from my Bible, and hating every minute of it? Well, my Bible reading for today brought me to Genesis 36. This chapter covers Esau's descendants, and is quite literally a list of very hard to pronounce names that never seems to end.

I have a very clear memory of getting in an argument with my father at the dinner table because he was making us read this. It might not have specifically been this chapter, but it was one of these long lists of names that you stutter through when trying to read aloud. I was a kid, and I was not having it!

My father passed away in 2004, and I hate to admit that I didn't really know him well. His death was extremely hard for me to handle because I grew up feeling like he was always shoving Christianity down my throat. I resented him for it almost until the day he died. So even though it's just a silly memory of us at the dinning room table, I am glad I have it, and I laugh to myself now wondering why he didn't just paraphrase this chapter and let us move on.

So to learn from his mistakes, I am simply going to move on....

Day 2 - Much harder than Day 1.

Lexi woke up at 6am, the same time my alarm started going off. We ended up cuddling until around 7. Then we made Jacob breakfast and sent him off to work. Now it's a little after 8am and she is OUT! Impromptu naps are never a bad thing. :)

So where am I today? Genesis 34 & 35

Quick Synopsis:

Chapter 34 deals with the violation of Dinah, Jacob and Leah's daughter, and how her brother's handle the situation. The man that violates Dinah wants desperately to marry her. So Jacob's family makes a deal with the offending family. If all the males in their area are circumcised, then Dinah will become Shechem's (the violator) wife. Three days after the men are circumcised though, two of Jacob's sons go into the city and kill every single male.

This isn't the greatest of all Bible stories, and surely not one you share with your young children, but it teaches a great lesson in my opinion. Jacob and his children have the Lord's blessing. They are His people. God knows their hearts, and all the anger and revenge they plotted and the countless murders they committed that day. Yet he loves them and claims them as His own.

No matter what my sin, I know that God loves me and is calling me to Him. There is no hierarchy to sin, so their murders that day are no worse than my gossiping. Sin is sin, and God HATES sin. And yet, he wants me as his follower, and loves me. That's extremely powerful.

In chapter 35 Jacob goes back to Bethel to build an alter for God and while there God changes his name to Israel (35:9). Then Rachel dies giving birth to Benjamin, and Isaac dies at 180 years old.

This is just another example of how the Lord takes us as we are - full of sin, living life as we wish - and makes us into what He wants for His glory. Jacob was just another man. He was not innocent, or special in any other way than the simple fact that God had chosen him.

So what do I take away from all of this? I am a sinner. BUT God can work through me if I open my heart to Him and His will for my life. I am blessed through His love and unending mercy! And every day is an opportunity for me to become a new version of myself for His purposes. I am in a constant state of renewal, being open to Christ's call for my life, just like Jacob was washed away for God's creation, Israel.

Now that's cool !

Project Day 1 - Genesis 33

Genesis 33
Jacob Meets Esau

After taking Esau's birthright and blessing and running away for 20 years, Jacob is finally returning home, and fretting about seeing his brother. Last time Jacob was close to Esau, Esau had threatened to kill Jacob.

Jacob chooses an absolute drove of animals to give to Esau as a gift to find favor in Esau's eyes. It turns out though that Esau doesn't care about the gifts, he is simply happy to see his brother. They part ways reconciled.

I can understand both sides of that situation. If I had wronged someone (which is not actually hypothetical, I have hurt people in the past) I would want to make amends and share my blessings with that person. Jacob's hurt and angst here are perfectly reasonable. He knew he had screwed his brother out of what was rightfully his, and he knew that it was his job to make that right to Esau.

On the other hand, if my brother or sister, did something underhanded and hurt me in some way I want to be open to forgiveness. I have spent time in my past holding on to the wrongs others have done to me. What a waste of energy! Life is so much better spent when I let go of the bad and let the forgiveness of Christ wash over me and those around me.

I cannot help thinking of all the wrong I have done to others while writing this post. If Christ has forgiven me and allowed me a fresh slate for all the things I have done, how can I withhold that from someone else?!

Bit of my backstory.

February 10th, 2010 - I was 28 weeks pregnant, and as such not a great sleeper anymore. It was a very blustery night and the wind raging against the house woke me. We had two labs at the time and I got out of bed to put them in their kennels, away from the stormy night. As I was locking up the house I felt something odd. It was an ominous leaking, that as the day progressed, turned into a full blown attack of me thinking "Is my water breaking???"

Turns out, it was, sort of. The hospital confirmed it was amniotic fluid I was leaking, and admitted me. That became my home until Alexia Dawn Zack was born two weeks later on February 24th. While in the hospital I saw three different doctors that were filled in on my particular situation, and none had any clue as to what went wrong. They all told me not to feel guilty because it was not due to anything I did, but come on! Just because someone tells you that doesn't mean you feel any less responsible, helpless, scared, etc. I felt the judgement in every one's eyes. I could just tell they all thought I had done this to my baby. I had somehow jeopardized my child's health by being too skinny, or not eating right, or disregarding my doctor's strict health orders. It didn't matter what they thought I had done, I could just tell they all thought this was my fault, whether they said it aloud or not.

So where am I going with all this, you might ask? Why drudge up all the crap I have tried so hard to put behind me? That's the easiest answer of them all!

Lexi was born 10 weeks early, and as such was not ready to come home. So she had an 11 week stay in the NICU, learning how to breath on her own, eat from a bottle and not a tube down her nose, regulate her own temperature, and simultaneously gain weight. I can hands down tell you that was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. (Seconded by my C-section! That thing SUCKED.) So where do you have to go when you are as low as you can get?? At this point, I am physically drained from the C-section, wrecked emotionally because I cannot hold my daughter or take her home, I'm alone in my head, scared, worried about breastfeeding, and future damage she might have since she was born so prematurely. I'm sure there were a lot of other emotions going on at that time as well, but the point is: Where do you look when the weight of the world is on your shoulders?

I turned to God.

I prayed constantly. There was nothing else in my power to do. Then I started reading my Bible. I had always wanted to read it through, cover to cover, and never 'found the time.' Well, now I had the time! Lexi slept most of the day, so I would sit in the NICU and pour over my Bible, looking for anything to help me focus on something bigger than myself and my less than ideal situation. Since I'd started in Genesis I didn't have to concentrate that hard to understand what I was reading. They are all stories I'd grown up hearing. At that point it was just a distraction.

One year later I finished reading the Bible. But how much of that reading did I do just to be able to say I had done it? A vast majority. There are whole sections that made no sense to me. In all honesty, I don't know if I understood more than the overall theme of Job. So here I am, finally at my point...

I bought a handbook to the Bible, and now I am reading through critically. But with a toddler it is hard to find time to devote to reading my Bible seriously for the sake of study. BUT, with the use of this blog, maybe I can buckle down and get to business.

My goal is to get up in the mornings, read my section in the Bible, the corresponding section in my handbook, and then jot down thoughts, questions, and open the discussion to others. This blog will sort of become my accountability partner. :) I am very excited to see where this goes! Wish me luck, and join me as much as you wish! Your thoughts, comments, and prayers are all welcome!

Brittany Dawn

Where did all this word vomit come from?

Let's be honest, I have never been an eloquent orator.

But there was a point where I could conduct my 8th grade Language Arts classrooms all day without sounding like a song skipping. And there was a time where I could talk to friends and collegues without sputtering, and stuttering like a 5 year-old searching for the right word.

I have been a stay at home mother for the past year though, and any sense of grammar and syntax I use to possess has now all escaped me completely. I'm surprised somedays that I can get anything outside of a grunt to exit through my lips.

Thus the need for this blog. I remember how much writing use to help me focus my thoughts in college. But who writes on a regular basis if they don't have to? I like to journal, but it's just too sporatic to help. SO I am going to attempt using this blog as my journey back to being able to think and thus speak like an adult!

Here goes nothing...

Brittany Dawn