Bit of my backstory.

February 10th, 2010 - I was 28 weeks pregnant, and as such not a great sleeper anymore. It was a very blustery night and the wind raging against the house woke me. We had two labs at the time and I got out of bed to put them in their kennels, away from the stormy night. As I was locking up the house I felt something odd. It was an ominous leaking, that as the day progressed, turned into a full blown attack of me thinking "Is my water breaking???"

Turns out, it was, sort of. The hospital confirmed it was amniotic fluid I was leaking, and admitted me. That became my home until Alexia Dawn Zack was born two weeks later on February 24th. While in the hospital I saw three different doctors that were filled in on my particular situation, and none had any clue as to what went wrong. They all told me not to feel guilty because it was not due to anything I did, but come on! Just because someone tells you that doesn't mean you feel any less responsible, helpless, scared, etc. I felt the judgement in every one's eyes. I could just tell they all thought I had done this to my baby. I had somehow jeopardized my child's health by being too skinny, or not eating right, or disregarding my doctor's strict health orders. It didn't matter what they thought I had done, I could just tell they all thought this was my fault, whether they said it aloud or not.

So where am I going with all this, you might ask? Why drudge up all the crap I have tried so hard to put behind me? That's the easiest answer of them all!

Lexi was born 10 weeks early, and as such was not ready to come home. So she had an 11 week stay in the NICU, learning how to breath on her own, eat from a bottle and not a tube down her nose, regulate her own temperature, and simultaneously gain weight. I can hands down tell you that was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. (Seconded by my C-section! That thing SUCKED.) So where do you have to go when you are as low as you can get?? At this point, I am physically drained from the C-section, wrecked emotionally because I cannot hold my daughter or take her home, I'm alone in my head, scared, worried about breastfeeding, and future damage she might have since she was born so prematurely. I'm sure there were a lot of other emotions going on at that time as well, but the point is: Where do you look when the weight of the world is on your shoulders?

I turned to God.

I prayed constantly. There was nothing else in my power to do. Then I started reading my Bible. I had always wanted to read it through, cover to cover, and never 'found the time.' Well, now I had the time! Lexi slept most of the day, so I would sit in the NICU and pour over my Bible, looking for anything to help me focus on something bigger than myself and my less than ideal situation. Since I'd started in Genesis I didn't have to concentrate that hard to understand what I was reading. They are all stories I'd grown up hearing. At that point it was just a distraction.

One year later I finished reading the Bible. But how much of that reading did I do just to be able to say I had done it? A vast majority. There are whole sections that made no sense to me. In all honesty, I don't know if I understood more than the overall theme of Job. So here I am, finally at my point...

I bought a handbook to the Bible, and now I am reading through critically. But with a toddler it is hard to find time to devote to reading my Bible seriously for the sake of study. BUT, with the use of this blog, maybe I can buckle down and get to business.

My goal is to get up in the mornings, read my section in the Bible, the corresponding section in my handbook, and then jot down thoughts, questions, and open the discussion to others. This blog will sort of become my accountability partner. :) I am very excited to see where this goes! Wish me luck, and join me as much as you wish! Your thoughts, comments, and prayers are all welcome!

Brittany Dawn