At a loss for words.

I have my Bible open. I have my Bible Handbook open next to it. But the passage I read this morning isn't really what I want to write about.

Problem is, I don't exactly know what I want to say about the subject that is pervading my thoughts.

Hmm.. I guess I should just 'word vomit' it out, and see where it takes me. Never know what will find it's way out.

Several weeks ago at church, we had a member of the congregation get up and share his testimonial. One thing he shared really stuck with me. He said that when he had idols in his life, he didn't see people around him coming to Christ. He was not being an effective disciple. Instead of telling people around him about Christ and the wonderful things He has done in this man's life, he would go on about his particular 'idol.'

It's important that we keep in mind what an idol is. In the old testament, they were golden calves or the like. Today, an idol can be ANYTHING that takes our focus from God. This particular man's idol was his dream of building a log cabin. He was obsessed with it. He spent hours looking up things related to it during his free time; time he could have been reading his Bible. And instead of sharing Christ's love and message with people around him, he was talking about everything he wanted to do with his future dream home.

What this man shared made me think long and hard about my life as a disciple.

Come to find out, I am not a disciple at all. There are people in my life EVERYDAY that are not Christians, and even though I see them all the time, and are frequently in conversations with them, Christ is never brought up. WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?

What are we talking about instead? What is my idol standing in the way of me sharing the gospel?

How is it that I can read my Bible and scibble notes all over the pages out of pure passion for what I'm reading, and then NOT share it with someone?

How can I listen to music on the Christian radio station, singing and dancing around my house like an idiot, and then go to church and not feel a thing for some of the same songs?

How can I pray for people I know to come to Christ, and then just leave it at a prayer? How can I end another day with another prayer for someone I love, and then not do more to reach out?

Christ died for our sins. If we believe that and have faith in him, then we are saved and our lives begin to change in the most amazing ways. If we do not believe, then when we die, we go to hell. Seeing as I don't know when I or any of my family members is going to die, shouldn't I make it a bit more of a priority to share the gospel?

This brings me full circle to what happened tonight and how I am at a loss for words.

I have inherited a large family through my husband. Each weekend the family gets together and barbeque's at Jacob's aunt and uncles house. I love these people. After the previously mentioned sermon, I started thinking about how I don't think many, if any, are Christians. If they are, I am clueless of it because I have never brought it up or inquired about it.

How can I truly be passionate about my savior if I have never broached the subject of Christ with any of them? So I started praying about it. I started asking the Lord to give me opportunities to talk to them about Him.

As an aside, I should say that after my feelings of resentment towards my father about constantly being berated with the faith, I am very nervous about bringing up the faith with others because I don't want to turn them off from it the way I was for many years.

So anyway, I've been praying for opportunities to arise, and slowly over the last few months there have been casual conversations with my family about God. It's been very exciting to hear Jacob's uncle start to talk about his past in the church.

Then tonight it finally happened! Around the table this evening, while eating dinner, we started talking about our faith. Each of us was sharing, and I couldn't believe it had just come out of left field. Problem was, I didn't know what to say. I was caught off guard, and then I spent the entire drive home thinking about what I should have said to each of the questions asked of me.

I guess I'm just shaken. I know that I cannot bring people to Christ. Only God, working through me, can do any good at all. But I wish I hadn't felt so shell shocked while in the moment. I love my family, and I don't ever want to look back with regrets, wishing I'd said more than I had about my relationship with Christ.

 That's where my mind is tonight. I don't know what to say beyond that.