Just one of THOSE days.

This is what I want to wake up to. I would love for my alarm to go off at 6am; I turn on the lamp, and start reading my Bible. I daydream about having an hour to collect myself, pray, worship God, and read His word. I imagine I would be such a better, nicer, more patient, etc. person if this is the way I could start my day. Ah, tranquility!

But this isn't the world of my daydreams. OH NO! It is instead a much worse thing.... Reality!

A reality where my daughter wakes up at 5:30am and I immediately know my quiet time with God is shot. A reality where she wants breakfast, so I make it, and then she decides she would rather smear the food all over her body than actually eat it. A reality where she is not happy unless I am holding her. THEN she is not happy when I am holding her. A realty where she cries at me for an hour no matter what I try to do to appease her. It goes on and on this way...

This is what my reality looks like:

Am I being a bit a melodramatic? Maybe.

So here's to making the time to read His word no matter what's going on! It might have taken me two hours to read through the scripture and write this with a very unpleasant Alexia here, but I did it! So suck on that devil!

Psalm 57

1 Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me,

   for in you my soul takes refuge.

   I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings

   until the disaster has passed.

2 I cry out to God Most High,

   to God, who fulfills his purpose for me.

3 He sends from heaven and saves me,

   rebuking those who hotly pursue me;

   God sends his love and his faithfulness.

4 I am in the midst of lions;

   I lie among ravenous beasts-

   men whose teeth are spears and arrows,

   whose tongues are sharp swords.

5 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;

   let your glory be over all the earth.

 6 They spread a net for my feet-

     I was bowed down in distress.

     They dug a pit in my path-

     but they have fallen into it themselves.

  7 My heart is steadfast, O God,

     my heart is steadfast;

     I will sing and make music.

  8 Awake, my soul!

     Awake, harp and lyre!

     I will awaken the dawn.

  9 I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;

     I will sing of you among the peoples.

10 For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;

     your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

11 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;

     let your glory be over all the earth.

A Catch-up on Joseph...

I left off in my progress through Genesis at the end of chapter 37 with Joseph being sold off to gypsies by his jealous brothers.

At this point, Joseph’s situation is dreadful. He has been brutally betrayed by his own flesh and blood. He has been transported through the desert by strangers. Then he’s been sold into the service of one of Pharaoh’s officials in Egypt.

In the beginning of chapter 39 we see Joseph catch a bit of a break! But unfortunately his good luck doesn’t last long. He has been placed in charge of his master’s home and all that he owns, but his master’s wife has a bit of a wandering eye and when the master leaves, she throws herself on Joseph. After several refusals on his part, she acts the victim and blames Joseph of trying to take advantage of her.

As is expected, Joseph is deposited in jail as soon as his master hears this story. That is where he is to remain for the next several years.

BUT to think that God was not watching out for him during this time would be foolish! God put Joseph exactly where He needed him to be in order to bring great things to Joseph.

God gave Joseph the wisdom to interpret first the dreams of 2 of Pharaoh’s men in the jail with him and then the opportunity to interpret a dream for the Pharaoh himself. Joseph’s interpretation of Pharaoh’s dream discovered there were going to be 7 years of plenty coming, followed by 7 years of severe famine. With this knowledge the Pharaoh could save during the plenty and have food for his people during the famine.

Pharaoh was so grateful for Joseph and his apparent blessing from God that he made Joseph second in command throughout the land of Egypt. He gave Joseph a wife who bore him sons, and commissioned Joseph to go throughout the land gathering and storing food.

All of Joseph’s hardships brought him to the exact place God needed him to be in order to bestow His blessings upon Joseph. So the obvious questions to me are:

Why do I ever complain?? If I am going through something difficult, isn’t God there, guiding me?

And if it is all part of God’s plan for my life, don’t I want to endure it so I can reap the benefits at the end of all the suffering??

So next time a negative thought tries to escape my lips I am going to try and look ‘up’ and keep my heart on the truth that God has something bigger than my momentary suffering planned for me!!

At a loss for words.

I have my Bible open. I have my Bible Handbook open next to it. But the passage I read this morning isn't really what I want to write about.

Problem is, I don't exactly know what I want to say about the subject that is pervading my thoughts.

Hmm.. I guess I should just 'word vomit' it out, and see where it takes me. Never know what will find it's way out.

Several weeks ago at church, we had a member of the congregation get up and share his testimonial. One thing he shared really stuck with me. He said that when he had idols in his life, he didn't see people around him coming to Christ. He was not being an effective disciple. Instead of telling people around him about Christ and the wonderful things He has done in this man's life, he would go on about his particular 'idol.'

It's important that we keep in mind what an idol is. In the old testament, they were golden calves or the like. Today, an idol can be ANYTHING that takes our focus from God. This particular man's idol was his dream of building a log cabin. He was obsessed with it. He spent hours looking up things related to it during his free time; time he could have been reading his Bible. And instead of sharing Christ's love and message with people around him, he was talking about everything he wanted to do with his future dream home.

What this man shared made me think long and hard about my life as a disciple.

Come to find out, I am not a disciple at all. There are people in my life EVERYDAY that are not Christians, and even though I see them all the time, and are frequently in conversations with them, Christ is never brought up. WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?

What are we talking about instead? What is my idol standing in the way of me sharing the gospel?

How is it that I can read my Bible and scibble notes all over the pages out of pure passion for what I'm reading, and then NOT share it with someone?

How can I listen to music on the Christian radio station, singing and dancing around my house like an idiot, and then go to church and not feel a thing for some of the same songs?

How can I pray for people I know to come to Christ, and then just leave it at a prayer? How can I end another day with another prayer for someone I love, and then not do more to reach out?

Christ died for our sins. If we believe that and have faith in him, then we are saved and our lives begin to change in the most amazing ways. If we do not believe, then when we die, we go to hell. Seeing as I don't know when I or any of my family members is going to die, shouldn't I make it a bit more of a priority to share the gospel?

This brings me full circle to what happened tonight and how I am at a loss for words.

I have inherited a large family through my husband. Each weekend the family gets together and barbeque's at Jacob's aunt and uncles house. I love these people. After the previously mentioned sermon, I started thinking about how I don't think many, if any, are Christians. If they are, I am clueless of it because I have never brought it up or inquired about it.

How can I truly be passionate about my savior if I have never broached the subject of Christ with any of them? So I started praying about it. I started asking the Lord to give me opportunities to talk to them about Him.

As an aside, I should say that after my feelings of resentment towards my father about constantly being berated with the faith, I am very nervous about bringing up the faith with others because I don't want to turn them off from it the way I was for many years.

So anyway, I've been praying for opportunities to arise, and slowly over the last few months there have been casual conversations with my family about God. It's been very exciting to hear Jacob's uncle start to talk about his past in the church.

Then tonight it finally happened! Around the table this evening, while eating dinner, we started talking about our faith. Each of us was sharing, and I couldn't believe it had just come out of left field. Problem was, I didn't know what to say. I was caught off guard, and then I spent the entire drive home thinking about what I should have said to each of the questions asked of me.

I guess I'm just shaken. I know that I cannot bring people to Christ. Only God, working through me, can do any good at all. But I wish I hadn't felt so shell shocked while in the moment. I love my family, and I don't ever want to look back with regrets, wishing I'd said more than I had about my relationship with Christ.

 That's where my mind is tonight. I don't know what to say beyond that.

Moments in Motherhood

I'm having a rough morning, after having a rough night. My daughter is the cutest, sweetest, smartest, funniest little girl in the whole world WHEN SHE IS NOT TEETHING! As of right now though, she IS teething and is NOT my favorite person.

I feel very guilty about the way I react to her 'demon side' because I know she is in pain. I try to think compassionately about how her mouth must feel with all these teeth poking menacingly through her gums. But I fail continually, and I lose my temper. Instead of being loving and just holding her through the incessant crying, I set her down and walk away furious that I cannot do anything to make it better. And that of course just makes her more upset.

Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

That will be my mantra for the day!!! Joyful, patient, and faithful.

Brittany Dawn

Genesis 37

Joseph's Dreams

Genesis chapter 37 begins the story of Joseph. We are introduced to Joseph and almost immediately told that he was the favorite of all Jacob's 12 sons (v3). He made Joseph a very "richly ornamented robe" which is an outward sign to the other 11 sons that Joseph is favored. No real hiding it, so in verse 4 we are told that the brothers hated Joseph because it was clear their father loved Joseph more than any of them.

If I clearly knew that someone harbored a grudge against me, or downright hated me, I think I would steer clear of that said person and keep my head down when I had to be around them. What does Joseph do? The COMPLETE opposite! He starts telling his brothers about these wild dreams he is having.

In verses 5-7 Joseph tells his brothers he had a dream where they were all binding sheaves of grain and all of a sudden Joseph's sheaf rose up and his brother's sheaves bowed down to Joseph's.

Umm, can someone please get Joseph a clue?! It's already been established that his brother's hate him, and instead of trying to smooth things over by any means, he is totally stirring the pot! His brother's freak out in anger asking Joseph if he "intends to reign over" them. In verse 8 it makes it abundantly clear that "they hated him all the more because of his dream and what he had said."

As if this isn't enough, Joseph has a second dream where the sun and moon and eleven stars were bowing down to him. He again tells his brothers, and this time tells his father as well. Needless to say, it doesn't go over well and in verse 12 we see the evil plot forming in his brother's hearts.

His brother's want to kill him and tell their father he was torn apart by a wild animal. Reuben, the eldest, tries to save Joseph though. So instead of killing Joseph they end up selling him to a travelling group of merchants. From there, Joseph is sold to one of Pharaoh's officials in Egypt.

The brother's tear Joseph's robe, cover it in blood, and still tell their father that Joseph was killed by an animal.

Wow. This is the family God has chosen to bless throughout the ages. And yet they are a bunch of men with hate in their hearts due to jealousy, and murder on their minds.

That is what I love most about this! These are not 'holier than thou' people. They are not perfect! BUT, God has a plan for all of them, and we get to watch it unfold. It's the perfect reminder that I will never be perfect, but that does not mean that God isn't working through me or using me to unwittingly fulfill his purposes. In fact, I often wonder what would be said about my life if it were written like a Bible story! Hmm... Just food for thought.

Childhood memories

My father went to seminary when I was about 5 in Fort Worth, Texas. So I grew up with a father who was passionate about the scripture. I always saw this as the most unfortunate thing a child could have to deal with. Growing up we were in church Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday evening. Then if the church had any special function, we would go to that as well. I was EXTREMELY shy, and hated all of it. I never felt like I fit in anywhere because we moved around a lot and I didn't make friends easily.

Looking back now, it's of course obvious that I could have had a much rougher childhood. Jacob and I are in the process of becoming certified foster parents, so we have heard stories of children that actually have problems. My father's nightly Bible studies during dinner don't even come close to what could actually be considered 'bad parenting.' But alas, at the time, I thought I had it rough.

You might be wondering where this rambling came from. What took me back to being a 5th grader, sitting around the dinner table reading from my Bible, and hating every minute of it? Well, my Bible reading for today brought me to Genesis 36. This chapter covers Esau's descendants, and is quite literally a list of very hard to pronounce names that never seems to end.

I have a very clear memory of getting in an argument with my father at the dinner table because he was making us read this. It might not have specifically been this chapter, but it was one of these long lists of names that you stutter through when trying to read aloud. I was a kid, and I was not having it!

My father passed away in 2004, and I hate to admit that I didn't really know him well. His death was extremely hard for me to handle because I grew up feeling like he was always shoving Christianity down my throat. I resented him for it almost until the day he died. So even though it's just a silly memory of us at the dinning room table, I am glad I have it, and I laugh to myself now wondering why he didn't just paraphrase this chapter and let us move on.

So to learn from his mistakes, I am simply going to move on....

Day 2 - Much harder than Day 1.

Lexi woke up at 6am, the same time my alarm started going off. We ended up cuddling until around 7. Then we made Jacob breakfast and sent him off to work. Now it's a little after 8am and she is OUT! Impromptu naps are never a bad thing. :)

So where am I today? Genesis 34 & 35

Quick Synopsis:

Chapter 34 deals with the violation of Dinah, Jacob and Leah's daughter, and how her brother's handle the situation. The man that violates Dinah wants desperately to marry her. So Jacob's family makes a deal with the offending family. If all the males in their area are circumcised, then Dinah will become Shechem's (the violator) wife. Three days after the men are circumcised though, two of Jacob's sons go into the city and kill every single male.

This isn't the greatest of all Bible stories, and surely not one you share with your young children, but it teaches a great lesson in my opinion. Jacob and his children have the Lord's blessing. They are His people. God knows their hearts, and all the anger and revenge they plotted and the countless murders they committed that day. Yet he loves them and claims them as His own.

No matter what my sin, I know that God loves me and is calling me to Him. There is no hierarchy to sin, so their murders that day are no worse than my gossiping. Sin is sin, and God HATES sin. And yet, he wants me as his follower, and loves me. That's extremely powerful.

In chapter 35 Jacob goes back to Bethel to build an alter for God and while there God changes his name to Israel (35:9). Then Rachel dies giving birth to Benjamin, and Isaac dies at 180 years old.

This is just another example of how the Lord takes us as we are - full of sin, living life as we wish - and makes us into what He wants for His glory. Jacob was just another man. He was not innocent, or special in any other way than the simple fact that God had chosen him.

So what do I take away from all of this? I am a sinner. BUT God can work through me if I open my heart to Him and His will for my life. I am blessed through His love and unending mercy! And every day is an opportunity for me to become a new version of myself for His purposes. I am in a constant state of renewal, being open to Christ's call for my life, just like Jacob was washed away for God's creation, Israel.

Now that's cool !

Project Day 1 - Genesis 33

Genesis 33
Jacob Meets Esau

After taking Esau's birthright and blessing and running away for 20 years, Jacob is finally returning home, and fretting about seeing his brother. Last time Jacob was close to Esau, Esau had threatened to kill Jacob.

Jacob chooses an absolute drove of animals to give to Esau as a gift to find favor in Esau's eyes. It turns out though that Esau doesn't care about the gifts, he is simply happy to see his brother. They part ways reconciled.

I can understand both sides of that situation. If I had wronged someone (which is not actually hypothetical, I have hurt people in the past) I would want to make amends and share my blessings with that person. Jacob's hurt and angst here are perfectly reasonable. He knew he had screwed his brother out of what was rightfully his, and he knew that it was his job to make that right to Esau.

On the other hand, if my brother or sister, did something underhanded and hurt me in some way I want to be open to forgiveness. I have spent time in my past holding on to the wrongs others have done to me. What a waste of energy! Life is so much better spent when I let go of the bad and let the forgiveness of Christ wash over me and those around me.

I cannot help thinking of all the wrong I have done to others while writing this post. If Christ has forgiven me and allowed me a fresh slate for all the things I have done, how can I withhold that from someone else?!

Bit of my backstory.

February 10th, 2010 - I was 28 weeks pregnant, and as such not a great sleeper anymore. It was a very blustery night and the wind raging against the house woke me. We had two labs at the time and I got out of bed to put them in their kennels, away from the stormy night. As I was locking up the house I felt something odd. It was an ominous leaking, that as the day progressed, turned into a full blown attack of me thinking "Is my water breaking???"

Turns out, it was, sort of. The hospital confirmed it was amniotic fluid I was leaking, and admitted me. That became my home until Alexia Dawn Zack was born two weeks later on February 24th. While in the hospital I saw three different doctors that were filled in on my particular situation, and none had any clue as to what went wrong. They all told me not to feel guilty because it was not due to anything I did, but come on! Just because someone tells you that doesn't mean you feel any less responsible, helpless, scared, etc. I felt the judgement in every one's eyes. I could just tell they all thought I had done this to my baby. I had somehow jeopardized my child's health by being too skinny, or not eating right, or disregarding my doctor's strict health orders. It didn't matter what they thought I had done, I could just tell they all thought this was my fault, whether they said it aloud or not.

So where am I going with all this, you might ask? Why drudge up all the crap I have tried so hard to put behind me? That's the easiest answer of them all!

Lexi was born 10 weeks early, and as such was not ready to come home. So she had an 11 week stay in the NICU, learning how to breath on her own, eat from a bottle and not a tube down her nose, regulate her own temperature, and simultaneously gain weight. I can hands down tell you that was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. (Seconded by my C-section! That thing SUCKED.) So where do you have to go when you are as low as you can get?? At this point, I am physically drained from the C-section, wrecked emotionally because I cannot hold my daughter or take her home, I'm alone in my head, scared, worried about breastfeeding, and future damage she might have since she was born so prematurely. I'm sure there were a lot of other emotions going on at that time as well, but the point is: Where do you look when the weight of the world is on your shoulders?

I turned to God.

I prayed constantly. There was nothing else in my power to do. Then I started reading my Bible. I had always wanted to read it through, cover to cover, and never 'found the time.' Well, now I had the time! Lexi slept most of the day, so I would sit in the NICU and pour over my Bible, looking for anything to help me focus on something bigger than myself and my less than ideal situation. Since I'd started in Genesis I didn't have to concentrate that hard to understand what I was reading. They are all stories I'd grown up hearing. At that point it was just a distraction.

One year later I finished reading the Bible. But how much of that reading did I do just to be able to say I had done it? A vast majority. There are whole sections that made no sense to me. In all honesty, I don't know if I understood more than the overall theme of Job. So here I am, finally at my point...

I bought a handbook to the Bible, and now I am reading through critically. But with a toddler it is hard to find time to devote to reading my Bible seriously for the sake of study. BUT, with the use of this blog, maybe I can buckle down and get to business.

My goal is to get up in the mornings, read my section in the Bible, the corresponding section in my handbook, and then jot down thoughts, questions, and open the discussion to others. This blog will sort of become my accountability partner. :) I am very excited to see where this goes! Wish me luck, and join me as much as you wish! Your thoughts, comments, and prayers are all welcome!

Brittany Dawn

Where did all this word vomit come from?

Let's be honest, I have never been an eloquent orator.

But there was a point where I could conduct my 8th grade Language Arts classrooms all day without sounding like a song skipping. And there was a time where I could talk to friends and collegues without sputtering, and stuttering like a 5 year-old searching for the right word.

I have been a stay at home mother for the past year though, and any sense of grammar and syntax I use to possess has now all escaped me completely. I'm surprised somedays that I can get anything outside of a grunt to exit through my lips.

Thus the need for this blog. I remember how much writing use to help me focus my thoughts in college. But who writes on a regular basis if they don't have to? I like to journal, but it's just too sporatic to help. SO I am going to attempt using this blog as my journey back to being able to think and thus speak like an adult!

Here goes nothing...

Brittany Dawn